Second Chances. Have you seen a singed possum about this morning? Wouldn't think of seeing singed possums if there was any objection, sir. There's no more chance of getting information out of you than out of a terrified Turnip. Leaving the Bandicoot to pursue his quavering, melon-humping existence, they set off again, Bill giving way to some very despondent expressions.
Bunyip Bluegum was forced to exert his finest oratory to inspire them to another frame of mind. No, no! As a reward for this renewed activity, they got some useful information from a Rooster who was standing at his front gate looking up and down the road, and wishing to heaven that somebody would come along for him to talk to.
They got, in fact, a good deal more information than they asked for, for the Rooster was one of those fine upstanding, bumptious skites who love to talk all day, in the heartiest manner, to total strangers while their wives do the washing. Only this morning, as I was standing here, I said to myself "somebody's been burning feathers. They followed the Rooster's directions with the utmost rapidity, and came to a large hollow tree with a door in the side and a noticeboard nailed up which said, "Watkin Wombat, Esq.
The door was locked, but it was clear that the puddin'-thieves were inside, because they heard the Possum say peevishly, "You're eating too much, and here's me, most severely singed, not getting sufficient," and the Wombat was heard to say "What you want is soap," but the Possum said angrily, "What I need is immense quantities of puddin'. It seems to me that there's nothin' for it but to give way to despair. You will hear me knock, accost the ruffians and hold them in conversation. The moment you hear me exclaim loudly, "Hey, Presto!
Pots and Pans," you will dart out and engage the villains at fisticuffs. The rest leave to me. Waiting till the others were hidden behind the tree, Bunyip rapped smartly on the door which opened presently, and the Wombat put his head out cautiously. Of course, seeing a perfect stranger at the door, the Wombat had no suspicions, and said at once. As a guarantee of good faith we are giving samples of our famous Enlarger away to all well-known puddin'-owners. The Enlarger, one of the wonders of modern science, has but to be poured over the puddin', with certain necessary incantations, and the puddin' will be instantly enlarged to double its normal size.
But," he added impressively, "the operation of enlarging the puddin' is a delicate one, and must be performed in the open air. Produce your puddin', and I will at once apply Pootles' Patent with marvellous effect. So on the principle of always getting something for nothing, as the Wombat said, Puddin' was brought out and placed on the ground.
He sprinkled the Puddin' with sugar, made several passes with his hands, and pronounced these words—. Pots and Pans. Out sprang Bill and Sam and set about the Puddin'-thieves like a pair of windmills, giving them such a clip clap clouting and a flip flap flouting, that what with being punched and pounded, and clipped and clapped, they had only enough breath left to give two shrieks of despair while scrambling back into Watkin Wombat's Summer Residence, and banging the door behind them.
The three friends had Puddin' secured in no time, and shook hands all round, congratulating Bunyip Bluegum on the success of his plan. And now," said he, "for a glorious reunion round the camp fire. And a glorious reunion they had, tucking into hot steak-and-kidney puddin' and boiled jam roll, which, after the exertions of the day, went down, as Bill said, "Grand. The singing that evening was particularly loud and prolonged, owing to the satisfaction they all felt at the recovery of their beloved Puddin'. The Puddin', who had got the sulks over Sam's remark that fifteen goes of steak and kidney were enough for any self-respecting man, protested against the singing, which, he said, disturbed his gravy.
The incident, though similar as regards courage an' darin', is totally different in regard to everythin' else, and is entitled—. And now," he added, "before retiring to rest, let us all join in song," and grasping each other's hands they loudly sang—. For what with low puddin' thieves disguisin' themselves as firemen, and low Wombats sneakin' our Puddin' while we're helpin' to put out fires, not to speak of all the worry and bother of tryin' to get information out of parrots an' bandicoots an' hedgehogs, why, it's enough to make a man suspect his own grandfather of bein' a puddin'-snatcher.
Why," said the Puddin', sneering at Bill, "I'll back one puddin'-thief to eat more in a given time than three Puddin'owners put together.
Roll Over Botticelli: Venus Gets A Makeover
When you see the terrible suspicions I shall indulge in to-day you'll regret them words. To prove his words Bill insisted on closely inspecting everybody he met, in case they should be puddin'-thieves in disguise. To start off with, they had an unpleasant scene with a Kookaburra, a low larrikin who resented the way that Bill examined him. Bill, of course, treated this conduct with silent contempt. It was his rule through life, he said, never to fight people with beaks.
The next encounter they had was with a Flying-fox who, though not so vulgar and rude as the Kookaburra was equally enraged because, as Bill had suspicions that he was the Possum disguised, he insisted on measuring him to see if he was the same length. A nice thing, indeed, to happen to Finglebury Flying-fox, the well-known and respected fruit stealer. However, he was found to be six inches too short, so they let him go, and he hurried off, saying, "I shall have the Law on you for this, measuring a man in a public place without being licensed as a tailor. The third disturbance due to Bill's suspicions occurred while Bunyip Bluegum was in a grocer's shop.
They had run out of tea and sugar, and happening to pass through the town of Bungledoo took the opportunity of laying in a fresh supply. If Bunyip hadn't been in the shop, as was pointed out afterwards, the trouble wouldn't have occurred. The first he heard of it was a scream of "Help, help, murder is being done!
It's Watkin Wombat, Esquire, disguised as a company promoter. This is not a puddin'-thief, this is an Uncle. You have most disgracefully and unmercifully pulled an Uncle's whiskers. If I'd known you was an Uncle I wouldn't have done it. You are a danger to the whisker growing public. You have knocked my hat off, pulled my whiskers, and tried to remove my nose. All present were forced to admit that it was a mistake that any man might make.
Let your anger, then, be assuaged by the consciousness that you are the victim, not of malice, but of the misfortune of wearing whiskers. My nephew, not only aiding and abetting these ruffians, but seeking to palliate their crimes! This is too much. My feelings are such that nothing but bounding and plunging can relieve them.
And thereupon did Uncle Wattleberry proceed to bound and plunge with the greatest activity, shouting all the while. Seeing that there was no possibility of inducing Uncle Wattleberry to look at the affair in a reasonable light, they walked off and left him to continue his bounding and plunging for the amusement of the people of Bungledoo, who brought their chairs out on to the footpath in order to enjoy the sight at their ease.
Bill's intention to regard everybody he met with suspicion was somewhat damped by this mistake, and he said there ought to be a law to prevent a man going about looking as if he was a disguised puddin'-thief. The most annoying part of it all was that when the puddin' thieves did make their appearance they weren't disguised at all. They were dressed as common ordinary puddin'-thieves, save that the Possum carried a bran bag in his hand and the Wombat waved a white flag. But the Possum shook his head. If there ain't a present, of course we shall simply have to punch their snouts as usual.
The Puddin'-owners hesitated a moment, but the temptation was too strong, and they all looked in together. It was a fatal act. The Possum whipped the bag over their heads, the Wombat whipped a rope round the bag, and there they were, helpless. The worst of it was that the Puddin', being too short to look in, was left outside, and the puddin'-thieves grabbed him at once and ran off like winking. To add to the Puddin'-owners' discomfiture there was a considerable amount of bran in the bag; and, as Bill said afterwards, if there's anything worse than losing a valuable Puddin', it's bran in the whiskers.
They bounded and plunged about, but soon had to stop that on account of treading on each others toes-especially Sam's, who endured agonies, having no boots on. Bunyip Bluegum reproved this faint-heartedness, saying, "As our misfortunes are due to exhibiting too great a trust in scoundrels, so let us bear them with the greater fortitude. As in innocence we fell, so let our conduct in this hour of dire extremity be guided by the courageous endurance of men whose consciences are free from guilt.
These fine words greatly stimulated the others, and they endured with fortitude walking on Sam's feet for an hour-and-a-half, when the sound of footsteps apprised them that a traveller was approaching. This traveller was a grave, elderly dog named Benjimen Brandysnap, who was going to market with eggs. Seeing three people walking in a bag he naturally supposed they were practising for the sports, but on hearing their appeals for help he very kindly undid the rope.
Benjimen was quite overcome by these expressions of esteem, and handed round eggs, which were eaten on the spot. Have you seen any puddin'-thieves about this mornin'? Now that you mention it, I remember seeing two puddin'-thieves at nine-thirty this morning. But they weren't stealing puddin's. They were engaged stealing a bag out of my stable. I was busy at the time whistling to the carrots, or I'd have stopped them. In what direction did the scoundrels go, friend, after stealing your bag? They ran north-west for two hours without seeing a sign of the Puddin'-thieves.
Benjimen ran with them to exact revenge for the theft of his bag. It was hot work running, and having no Puddin' they couldn't have lunch, but Benjimen very generously handed eggs all round again. Observe me. He looked about till he found a piece of board, and wrote this notice on it with his fountain pen—. This he hung on a tree. The news of the procession will spread like wildfire through the district, and the puddin'-thieves, unable to resist such a spectacle, will come hurrying to view the procession.
The rest will be simply a matter of springing out on them like lions. They all hid behind the bush, and a Crow, who happened to be passing, read the sign and flew off at once to spread the news through the district. In fifteen minutes, by Bill's watch, the puddin'-thieves came running down the road, and took up a position on a stump to watch the procession.
They had evidently been disturbed in the very act of eating Puddin', for the Possum was still masticating a mouthful; and the Wombat had stuck the Puddin' in his hat, and put his hat on his head, which clearly roved him to be a very ill-bred fellow, for in good society wearing puddin's on the head is hardly ever done. Bill and Sam, who were like bloodhounds straining in the leash, sprang out and confronted the scoundrels, while Bunyip and Ben got behind in order to cut off their retreat.
He wears his hat like that to keep his brain cool. Ben put on his spectacles in order to study the Wombat carefully, and gravely pronounced this judgment—. Removing hats is larceny, and you'll get six months for it. Bill scratched his head. This is one of the worst things that's happened to Sam and me for years. They all struck a dignified attitude in front of the puddin'-thieves, and Bunyip Bluegum, raising his hat, struck up the National Anthem, the others joining in with superb effect.
The puddin'-thieves, of course, were helpless.
March/April Issue of The Urban Connection by Urban Connection - Issuu
The Wombat had to take his hat off, or prove himself disloyal, and there was Puddin' sitting on his head. The Wombat tried to escape punishment by shouting, "Never strike a man with a Puddin' on his head;" but, now that their guilt was proved, Bill and Sam were utterly remorseless, and gave the puddin'-thieves such a trouncing that their shrieks pierced the firmament. When this had been done, all hands gave them an extra thumping in the interests of common morality.
Eggs were rubbed in their hair by Benjimen, and Bill and Sam attended to the beating and snout-bending, while Bunyip did the reciting. Standing on a stump, he declaimed—. The puddin'-thieves wept loudly while this severe rebuke was being administered, and promised, with sobs, to amend their evil courses, and in the future to abstain from unlawful puddin'-snatching. Let us hope that the tenderness of your snouts will be, if I may be permitted a flight of poetic fancy, a guiding star to lure your steps along the path of virtue—. With that the puddin'-thieves went over the hill, the sun went down and evening arrived, punctual to the minute.
But, before preparin' for a night of gaiety, dance, and song, I have a proposal to put before my feller Puddin'-owners. I propose to invite our friend Ben here to join us round the camp fire. He has proved himself a very decent feller, free with his eggs, and as full of revenge against puddin'-thieves as ourselves. As one market gardener to three Puddin'-owners, I may say I wouldn't wish to eat the Puddin' of three finer fellers than yourselves. With this cordial understanding they set about preparing the camp fire, and the heartiest expressions of friendship were indulged in while the Puddin' was being passed round.
As Bunyip aptly remarked:. They only suffer from blighted hopes and suppressed activity. The Puddin' was so furious at this remark that they were forced to eat an extra slice all round to pacify him, in spite of which he called Bill a turnip-headed old carrot-cruncher, and other insulting names. However, at length they set out on the road, Bill continuing to air some very despondent remarks. Ace — n — Excellent or wonderful. Bespoke — adj — Something that is custom made for you. Bog standard — n — Normal or average. Bollocking — n — To be punished severely or told off.
Sounds so much more sophisticated that a flea market. Car park — n — Parking lot or parking garage. Chock-a-block — adj — Closely packed together i. Chunder — v — To vomit. Damp Squib — adj — An event which you think will be exciting but which actually turns out to be a disappointment. Fortnight — n — Two weeks. Often used in the UK when talking about time. Quango — Acronym — Quasi-autonomous non- governmental organization. It is usually a place to send troublesome politicians by giving them cushy jobs.
See, TV show Yes, Minister. Scrummy — adj — Some- thing that is delicious. Skive — v, n — To be lazy or take an unwarranted day off, pull a sickie. Taking the piss — n — Mocking, taking advantage of someone. Never heard that. What part if the uk is it from? Lost the plot and gone to pot have different meanings.
Ya, that guy is a bit of a wanker, got ego probs. My favourite is damp squid! Brilliant, another American mouthing off! I used to get told off for saying Blimey, it means God Blind Me.
- Tracey Jones - Tremendous Life Books?
- English Vocabulary Word List - Alan Beale's Core Vocabulary Compiled From 3 Small ESL Dictionaries.
- Breed Characteristics:.
- Chaos sur Bruges (LITT.GENERALE) (French Edition).
Cockney I think. Thats cockney slang.. The dogs bollocks, the nads- bloody brilliant! Here a CV should be two pages. Cream crackered is Cockney rhyming slang for knackered so they are effectively the same. Lamb shanks or septic tanks, rhyming slang for our North American cousins……. A lamb shank is not rhyming slang for Yank Pissed and legless. Drunk and carried out of the local by your mates drunk…lol. Yes I do. I remember Tickety-boo from Red Dwarf. Tickety-boo is from the s. Not used nowadays except as a joke. Mallishag is an Isle of Wight word meaning caterpillar.
In Cornwall they are called Emmets. Tourists are called grockels in Dorset as well. I love tickety boo! A more accurate translation, is to be rendered speechless, gob mouth smacked hit. Not exactly slang but how about a few expressions for a loony i. Spoggie was chewing gum when I lived in Humberside in the s. And the kids would share it around give us a chew of yer spogge was not an unusual request. I remember saying toodle-oo for good-bye in the sixties, near Hull, Yorkshire. We said that often back in the 60s, too, in the south US.
I like Tickety -boo and Cream Krackered. They are fun to say! Tickety-boo just sounds so British to me… almost child like. Lost the plot is my fave! Like Ned. Non educated delinquent. Offensive, but has somehow crossed the pole and used easily. Also because old worn out horses were sent to the knackers yard to be slaughtered.
My mother used that word quite often. Avatars by Sterling Adventures.
December 25/26, 2017
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